Top Eleven essential items for Mother, in the RPG of life

Warcraft dwarf warriorFile this post under “whimsical,” folks. I’ve been a mother for a little over nine years now. My youngest child has just turned three, and I’m still in that “Mommy, carry me” phase, at times. My purse is bursting at the seams (but not with money), my memory is fuzzy, my feet are tired, and my body is jiggly, but I’m pretty happy with life. 🙂

Over the years, I have spent more hours than I care to admit playing role-playing games (RPG), such as Neverwinter Nights, Baldur’s Gate, and some others I can’t remember right now. One of the things I enjoy about those games is the magical items a character can equip, to modify her natural abilities.

So, I got to thinking, what if I could create a new class of character? In addition to Mage, Ranger, Rogue, Warrior, etc., there should be a Mother class! A Mother would have a special combination of powerful abilities, including some borrowed from the other classes.

Given the qualities and attributes that I now possess (brain fog, stretch marks, etc.), I would be very interested in obtaining certain pieces of special equipment. These would magically boost my strengths and minimize my weaknesses.

Here are the mythical, magical items that would be on my Top Eleven list, if I were a Mother in the RPG of life:

  1. Handbag of Infinite Holding. No more overstuffed purse or diaper bag. Everything fits inside, without the wearer becoming over-encumbered by the weight.
  2. Gloves of Dexterity. Maintains softness of touch, but gives the wearer manual dexterity equal to having a third hand.
  3. Boots of Lightness. Reduces weight upon the feet of the wearer, especially when standing on a scale.
  4. Girdle of Constitution. Provides the wearer ample strength to bear any physical burden, and causes stretch marks and cellulite to disappear.
  5. Helm of Mental Acuity. Dispels brain fog, improves wisdom with age, and prevents wearer from being deceived.
  6. Bow of Justice + Arrows of Mercy. Enables precise, appropriate defensive attacks or punishments, as needed.
  7. Cloak of Patience. Casts a spell of calm and inner peace upon the wearer, in even the most chaotic environment.
  8. Breastplate of Love. Warms the hearts of the wearer and those in her midst.
  9. Amulet of Healing. Empowers the wearer with magical hugs and kisses, which can be used to heal others.
  10. Ring of Rest. When activated, allows the wearer to continue adventuring without sleep.
  11. Shovel of Clearing. Essential equipment for any Mother, this shovel digs through any pile of literal or figurative crap, leaving a clean, clear path to tread.

GeekMom’s latest “this is not my child” moment: Tantrum at Target

I don’t know who came up with the phrase “Terrible Twos,” because with my three kids, age three has always been much worse than two. I was reminded of this today, when my three year old daughter had her first humongous public meltdown. It happened like this…

This morning, I needed to get some things from my favorite store, Target. I love going to Target. There is a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell snack area up front, and I can grab a soda to sip while I shop. Usually, I get a sugar cookie for my daughter, and she sits sweetly in the cart, smiling at strangers, waving at old folks. It’s a nice outing. Not today.

About halfway through the shopping, she decided to throw a big screaming fit. It was really magnificent. On the International Tantrum Scale (based on how many strangers would stop and stare), it was probably a 9 out of 10. There was crying, whining, screaming, falling on the floor, scratching, bleeding, hair stuck to snot, kicking… No vomiting, though. That would have made it a 10.

I will spare you the rest of the little details, but let me share some of the things I learned from today’s Tantrum at Target:

  • Age three is more terrible than two, because a three year old is heavier, more wiggly, and can cause more damage during a tantrum.
  • The first time a child has a huge tantrum at the store, it will be unexpectedly crowded, even though it’s a Monday, and people should be at work.
  • The more difficult your child is being, the more people will stop their carts directly in your path, blocking your way.
  • The ear-splitting shrieks of an angry toddler would make a highly effective torture device.
  • The ear-splitting shrieks of an angry toddler would also make a highly effective birth control device.
  • Chanting “this is not my child” to yourself while you wrestle the kid and try to drive the cart around the oblivious morons parked in the middle of the aisle does not help to block out the screaming noise.

I’m sure some of you parents can relate to this experience. It’s one of those things that we all go through with our kids, right? Do you have any favorite tantrum lessons you’d like to share?

Kids are sooo funny!

A recent conversation I had with my kindergartener went something like this…

Punkin: Mommy, why is your belly so floppy?

Me: Well, Mommy had three babies. Remember when Mommy’s belly was big like a balloon? When the baby was inside? Well, when the baby comes out, Mommy’s belly is like a balloon with no air inside, and that is why it’s floppy.

Punkin: Oh. (giggles)

Yes, the truth hurts, but it’s also pretty funny.

GeekMom’s Quick Tip: Shake, Shake, Shake!

gloves

Here is a funny story I had to share. My kindergartener recently had trouble getting his fingers all the way into his gloves before going out to the bus stop. He insisted there was something in there! I said, “Just try again,” because sometimes that works… He tried jamming his fingers into the gloves, but they wouldn’t go all the way in.

So, being a good mother, I turned the problem glove inside-out to check for debris. I was expecting a scrap of Kleenex or a piece of grass. I got the first couple of fingers checked out. Nothing was there. Turning these gloves out is no easy task, because the fingers are pretty small.

I continued with the index finger, and started pushing the tip of the glove inward. As I worked the glove and opened up the finger, I saw long, brown fibers being pushed out. I thought it might be a piece of mulch. Then, a roundish wad of something emerged. And finally, the whole leggy, smushed, balled-up spider fell out of the glove and onto the floor.

Fortunately, it was dead. Our vigorous attempts at putting on the glove had done the trick.

It’s a good thing my 6-year old is not afraid of bugs, or this might have been a traumatic experience.

The moral of the story: Always shake your gloves out before putting them on!

Briefly: Life is all about poop (if you’re a mom)

It may come as a shock for new mothers, the way life starts to revolve around poop. From Day One, a baby’s health is measured in part by the poops he produces. And it doesn’t stop when you bring the baby home…

No, that’s just the beginning. Some hospitals send mothers home with log sheets, to make it easier for parents to keep track of all the diaper action. Not only do the diapers have to be changed and bottoms wiped, but the frequency and consistency of the poop needs to be observed and acknowledged.

Of course, this is a good thing to do. Baby bottoms need to be kept clean. Parents need to bond with their babies and build relationships of trust. Babies depend on their parents to tend them with love and concern. Poop needs to be monitored, because certain characteristics can indicate illness or other trouble.

So if you’re about to become a mom, don’t worry. After the baby comes, you’ll probably think and talk about diapers more than current events, movies, or anything else. Just remember that this is normal. Motherhood is not for wimps. And it’s totally worth it!

Are you a Slasher? Hint: most moms are!

You may have heard of a new trend in career designations recently. The “Slash Career” is gaining acceptance among mainstream workers. The Slash (/) is no longer reserved for the starving creative types, as in Actor/Busboy, Artist/Barista, Singer/Waitress, etc.

Nowadays, the Slash is popping up between more white collar and upper-middle class professional titles, such as Lawyer/Event Planner, and Executive/Life Coach. People who successfully manage dual careers seem to thrive on the variety in their lives. You know, like pretzels dipped in chocolate. I like pretzels, and I love chocolate. But when you put them in the same bite, they’re both even better!

Even though today’s hip, modern Slash Careers are getting more press, we all know that mothers are the original Slashers. I’m a mom, and I never know what to put down for “Occupation,” when I fill out a form. At first, when I was a new mom, I continued to use my former occupation. My “real” job.

It’s been a while since then, and I’ve gotten over it. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think of me. I’m completely consumed, fulfilled, and exhausted by my current profession as a mom working from home. So what do I write on the form? It’s hard to sum up what I do in just one word. But when I start listing the things I do for a living, it seems kind of arrogant to try to write them all down. I mean, who do I think I am? Wonder Woman? I just do what every other mom does… A little bit of everything!

So I usually just choose the occupational titles that mean the most to me personally: Wife and Mother. The other stuff is important, too, and the variety of activities is stimulating and delicious. But in the big picture, all the housework, blogging, entrepreneurial endeavors, and even charitable activities, pale in comparison to the significance of the work I do with my family. Yep, Wife/Mother. That’s me.