The Time I Saw A Pile of Poop at Walmart

If you know me, you know I really don’t like shopping at Walmart. I prefer Target, but since I need to be thrifty, I end up at Walmart at least once a week for the basics.

On my most recent trip to the Mart, I made my circuit through the aisles, hugged my favorite greeter, and made it to the checkout. It was a typical shopping trip.

Until I left the checkout for the exit.

Just 10 feet from where I had paid for my stuff, there was a pile of poop. When I say “pile of poop,” let me be clear. It was not just a turd. Not a dung nugget. Not a dingleberry. Not a gooey smudge from somebody’s shoe.

It was a full dump.

And it looked like it either came from a large dog, or a human being. For a second, I considered stopping to snap a photo, but decided I couldn’t hold my breath long enough, so I pushed my cart past as quickly as I could, without looking like a freak.

So in lieu of a photo, I’ll describe it to you. It was a full dump, semi-coiled, well formed, deposited directly on the store floor. It was partially covered by a piece of paper towel, with a whole roll of paper towels nearby. It was unattended. No signs or warnings had been posted. No “Wet Floor,” or “WTF! Poop!” to guide shoppers away from the scene. I wondered whether the store personnel were away gathering special supplies. Maybe there is a secret human-poop cleanup protocol.

As I drove away from the store, I wondered lots of things.

What made that poop? Dog? Human?

Why was it left there?

If it was from a dog, why was a dog in the store? Service animal? Pet? It was very near the exit doors. And even if a dog had done it, I thought any responsible dog owner would have picked it up, right? RIGHT?!

So… Why would a person poop there? Toilet emergency? It wasn’t too far from the restrooms. Still, wouldn’t a reasonable human have cleaned up his or her own poop? Who just takes a dump on a public floor and leaves it there? Unless it was protest poop!

Anyway, it was pretty disgusting. And that’s coming from a matter-of-fact mother of three who deals with some epic shit on a daily basis. But it left me with more questions than answers. And I haven’t been back to Walmart since.

Stop calling things “Artisan”

On a recent trip through the McDonald’s drive-thru, I was in the mood for a cheeseburger, but convinced myself to go with a slightly less guilt-inducing “Artisan Grilled Chicken Sandwich.”

On my way through Window One, the polite girl at the register confirmed my order, made change for the ten, and waved me forward to Window Two. The boy there handed me my Diet Coke and then said, “I’ll go get your Artesian.”

Artisan vs artesian
Stop calling things “artisan!”

Seriously?

This prompted a couple of thoughts for me:
1. Stop calling things “artisan.”
2. “Artesian” and “artisan” are NOT the same.

Dictionary.com provides this definition of “artisan.”
Artisan: Adjective. Pertaining to an artisan or the product of an artisan; artisanal: artisan beer.

I enjoyed my chicken sandwich. It was pretty good! But I doubt anything about it was “artisan.” The bun didn’t appear handmade. I doubt the chicken was an artisan. The people who assembled it in the kitchen? The kid who handed it through Window Two? Nope.

And while we’re talking about that kid, he’s not the first person I’ve heard say “artesian” when he meant “artisan.” In case you’re wondering, here’s what that means.

Artesian: Adjective. Noting, pertaining to, or characteristic of an artesian well.

And if you don’t remember what an artesian well is?

Artesian well: Noun. A well in which water rises under pressure from a permeable stratum overlaid by impermeable rock.

My sandwich was tasty, but it was neither artisan nor artesian.

Stop calling things “artisan!” And if you call anything “artesian” that is not well-related, you sound stupid.

Don’t Minecraft While Sedated

The cartoon xkcd is one of my favorite nerdy comics. For your Friday fun, here is a strip about Minecraft. The moral of the story: don’t let your noob friends into your Minecraft world while they’re recovering from wisdom teeth extraction.

Happy Friday!

Don't Minecraft on Drugs - comic
Don’t Minecraft on Drugs
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In case of zombie invasion, shoot the lawyers?

Sorry, honey (my husband is an attorney). I’ve taken a couple of those “Would you survive a zombie invasion” quizzes, and it doesn’t look good for me. I’m not a runner, don’t have any guns, and would have my kids slowing down my escape. Yep, I’m pretty much zombie food.

One of the brains over at PrawfsBlawg has written about the legal implications of executing your zombie escape and survival plan. Author Geoffrey Rapp explains the importance of being…

… conscious of potential legal ramifications of shooting zombies in the head, breaking and entering stores to gather canned goods, and otherwise engaging in all manner of batteries, trespasses and conversions.

Of course, it won’t matter to me… But if you’re in good shape, know how to score a headshot, and can hole up safely until the invasion is over, you might have to think about what will happen post-zombie-apocalypse. Good luck!

Top Eleven essential items for Mother, in the RPG of life

Warcraft dwarf warriorFile this post under “whimsical,” folks. I’ve been a mother for a little over nine years now. My youngest child has just turned three, and I’m still in that “Mommy, carry me” phase, at times. My purse is bursting at the seams (but not with money), my memory is fuzzy, my feet are tired, and my body is jiggly, but I’m pretty happy with life. 🙂

Over the years, I have spent more hours than I care to admit playing role-playing games (RPG), such as Neverwinter Nights, Baldur’s Gate, and some others I can’t remember right now. One of the things I enjoy about those games is the magical items a character can equip, to modify her natural abilities.

So, I got to thinking, what if I could create a new class of character? In addition to Mage, Ranger, Rogue, Warrior, etc., there should be a Mother class! A Mother would have a special combination of powerful abilities, including some borrowed from the other classes.

Given the qualities and attributes that I now possess (brain fog, stretch marks, etc.), I would be very interested in obtaining certain pieces of special equipment. These would magically boost my strengths and minimize my weaknesses.

Here are the mythical, magical items that would be on my Top Eleven list, if I were a Mother in the RPG of life:

  1. Handbag of Infinite Holding. No more overstuffed purse or diaper bag. Everything fits inside, without the wearer becoming over-encumbered by the weight.
  2. Gloves of Dexterity. Maintains softness of touch, but gives the wearer manual dexterity equal to having a third hand.
  3. Boots of Lightness. Reduces weight upon the feet of the wearer, especially when standing on a scale.
  4. Girdle of Constitution. Provides the wearer ample strength to bear any physical burden, and causes stretch marks and cellulite to disappear.
  5. Helm of Mental Acuity. Dispels brain fog, improves wisdom with age, and prevents wearer from being deceived.
  6. Bow of Justice + Arrows of Mercy. Enables precise, appropriate defensive attacks or punishments, as needed.
  7. Cloak of Patience. Casts a spell of calm and inner peace upon the wearer, in even the most chaotic environment.
  8. Breastplate of Love. Warms the hearts of the wearer and those in her midst.
  9. Amulet of Healing. Empowers the wearer with magical hugs and kisses, which can be used to heal others.
  10. Ring of Rest. When activated, allows the wearer to continue adventuring without sleep.
  11. Shovel of Clearing. Essential equipment for any Mother, this shovel digs through any pile of literal or figurative crap, leaving a clean, clear path to tread.

He knew she was The One when she agreed to this…

Vinnk over at 4 color rebellion has posted a scan of his actual, formal wedding invitation. Here is what he says about it:

… as it turns out even geeky gamers can find love. Of course that doesn’t stop me from continuing to be that geeky gamer. My wedding invitation proves this. Be warned that it is more than a bit silly and lame, but it’s also, I hope, kind of cute.

And here is a little preview of the photo. You can click on it to see the full scan. It’s very cute, and it features Wii likenesses of the couple.
wii wedding invitation
He goes on to note that his future wife is not a geeky gamer, but that she does like the invitation, and is still going to marry him. So sweet! The only thing that would make it better would be to have the Miis dressed in wedding attire. Congratulations, Kevin and Misako! I don’t know you, but I wish you the best!

“Kawaii Not”: cute on the outside, twisted on the inside

Here are a few samples of what you can find over at the web comic called Kawaii Not, the comic for cute gone bad. (In case you’re wondering, “kawaii” is the Japanese word for “cute.”) Kawaii Not is a clever and sometimes strange combination of cute, innocent-looking characters (such as food, flowers, and office supplies), with a twisted sense of humor and a strong dose of irony. The strip is in a novel vertical format, and many of the featured comics have been converted into animated icons for posting on your own page. Watch out — they blink.
cassette vs ipod peanut legume wonton plunger
Note: Despite the pastel colors and smiling clouds and rainbows, this is not a comic for children. I have chosen some of the cute, tame ones to share here. But if you enjoy irony, or have been told you’re “weird,” “warped,” or have a “unique” sense of humor (join the club), you might like Kawaii Not. What do you think?