"I'm bored."

It’s been a while since I posted about my work at Squidoo. Well, I just finished a brand new page over there, all about how to keep kids from being bored. I worked on it all afternoon, because I was thinking of ways to keep my own kids from complaining, and I figured I’d put it into a nice, pretty, organized page, so other people could use the ideas, too.

When I was a kid, my parents would send us outside at the beginning of summer vacation and call us back just before school started. Okay okay, maybe it wasn’t quite like that. But it seemed like we spent almost every daylight hour outdoors. Any complaint of boredom was met with suggestions of either household chores or garden tending, which motivated us to find our own activities.

I guess children today don’t get much practice being bored. They need help coming up with things to do. Remembering the things I did as a child (no cable TV or video games!) inspired me to put together a really long list of ideas for my own kids. Some of the activities are fun and games, and some are little chores. They’re mostly free and non-electronic. They might be considered old-fashioned, which means they will seem brand-new to our modern youngsters!

If you have kids (or grandkids, neighborhood ruffians, visiting relatives, etc.) who are driving you crazy with a chorus of “I’m boooooored” and “There’s nothing to do!” then check it out. Boredom Busters: 100+ Ways to Keep Kids Busy When They’re Bored.

If you have some great ideas, please leave a comment and share! Cheers!

photo by John Morgan, used under a Creative Commons license

Lisa Quinn, mother of two

I admit there was a time when I admired Martha Stewart and her amazing domestic skills. I was awed by her real sugared fruit centerpieces and envious of her front porch holiday decorations.

But after a while, I gave up wishing and hoping and trying to measure up to Martha’s impossible standards. I mean, I’m a mother. Not Wonder Woman.

Turns out I’m not the only person to go from wannabe to anti-Martha. Meet Lisa Quinn, an Emmy-Award Winning ABC TV Host in San Francisco, author, mom of two, and recovering Martha-aholic. She has written a book called “Life’s Too Short to Fold Fitted Sheets.”

“In this book, you’ll find an assortment of domestic shortcuts, rationalizations, cheats, compromises, inspiration, contradictions, and confessions to help manic moms everywhere get through the day….” “How to give your home the illusion of cleanliness and sensibly chic home decor, and when to just break down and hire a professional.”

Lisa Quinn shares her best tips on balancing family, work, social life, and personal hygiene, with a healthy dose of humor. Available at Amazon: Life’s Too Short to Fold Fitted Sheets

I’ve been awarded Mother of the Year! It must be true, because I saw it on the internet… Well, okay. I’m not really that great of a mother. How bad is it that my idea of a nice Mother’s Day would be to spend it alone, without my kids? (I’m half-serious.)

Okay, that sounds terrible. But before you judge me, I dare you to walk a mile in my flip flops, wearing my baggy “yoga pants” (mom code for “it’s too hot for sweatpants, but I have to cover up my unshaven legs”), a faded and spit-up stained maternity shirt (even though you haven’t been pregnant in years), and bad bed head, with three kids pulling on your collar and hanging onto your arms and repeating an unsynchronized and dissonant chorus of “mom mom mom” in your ears until you can’t hear yourself think… Whoa! Deep breaths.

I know I’m not the only one out there who could stand a little quiet time.

One of my real Supermom friends sent me a link to a personalized Mother of the Year video, and I had to share it with my fellow moms, geeks, and everybody out there who has a mom. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there, Super and less-than-super. Someday, we’ll miss the “mom mom mom” noise, and all the other messy, fun, unpredictable stuff that comes with motherhood. And just for the record, I love my kids more than life. I’d just like to have the bathroom to myself for a few minutes.

Today is my birthday! So I’m re-publishing one of my favorite posts for you today. Originally, I posted it on April 12, 2008, but I think it’s still funny in October. Hope you enjoy it. I’m going to have a piece of birthday cake just for you! Cheers!

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File this post under “whimsical,” folks. I’ve been a mother for a little over nine years now. My youngest child has just turned three, and I’m still in that “Mommy, carry me” phase, at times. My purse is bursting at the seams (but not with money), my memory is fuzzy, my feet are tired, and my body is jiggly, but I’m pretty happy with life.

Over the years, I have spent more hours than I care to admit playing role-playing games (RPG), such as Neverwinter Nights, Baldur’s Gate, and some others I can’t remember right now. One of the things I enjoy about those games is the magical items a character can equip, to modify her natural abilities.

So, I got to thinking, what if I could create a new class of character? In addition to Mage, Ranger, Rogue, Warrior, etc., there should be a Mother class! A Mother would have a special combination of powerful abilities, including some borrowed from the other classes.

Given the qualities and attributes that I now possess (brain fog, stretch marks, etc.), I would be very interested in obtaining certain pieces of special equipment. These would magically boost my strengths and minimize my weaknesses.

Here are the mythical, magical items that would be on my Top Eleven list, if I were a Mother in the RPG of life:

1. Handbag of Infinite Holding. No more overstuffed purse or diaper bag. Everything fits inside, without the wearer becoming over-encumbered by the weight.
2. Gloves of Dexterity. Maintains softness of touch, but gives the wearer manual dexterity equal to having a third hand.
3. Boots of Lightness. Reduces weight upon the feet of the wearer, especially when standing on a scale.
4. Girdle of Constitution. Provides the wearer ample strength to bear any physical burden, and causes stretch marks and cellulite to disappear.
5. Helm of Mental Acuity. Dispels brain fog, improves wisdom with age, and prevents wearer from being deceived.
6. Bow of Justice + Arrows of Mercy. Enables precise, appropriate defensive attacks or punishments, as needed.
7. Cloak of Patience. Casts a spell of calm and inner peace upon the wearer, in even the most chaotic environment.
8. Breastplate of Love. Warms the hearts of the wearer and those in her midst.
9. Amulet of Healing. Empowers the wearer with magical hugs and kisses, which can be used to heal others.
10. Ring of Rest. When activated, allows the wearer to continue adventuring without sleep.
11. Shovel of Clearing. Essential equipment for any Mother, this shovel digs through any pile of literal or figurative crap, leaving a clean, clear path to tread.

I don’t know how I missed out on seeing this video earlier, but it is hilarious! Especially for busy moms — but funny for dads and kids, too — Anita Renfroe sings a fast mashup of the most popular mom sayings, to the tune of the William Tell Overture. Listen carefully, because it goes by so quickly!

Anita has made another funny video in conjunction with a promotion for Luvs diapers. As part of this new “say no to pricey diapers” campaign, Luvs is also offering a limited-time $5 off coupon, starting today.

File this post under “whimsical,” folks. I’ve been a mother for a little over nine years now. My youngest child has just turned three, and I’m still in that “Mommy, carry me” phase, at times. My purse is bursting at the seams (but not with money), my memory is fuzzy, my feet are tired, and my body is jiggly, but I’m pretty happy with life.

Over the years, I have spent more hours than I care to admit playing role-playing games (RPG), such as Neverwinter Nights, Baldur’s Gate, and some others I can’t remember right now. One of the things I enjoy about those games is the magical items a character can equip, to modify her natural abilities.

So, I got to thinking, what if I could create a new class of character? In addition to Mage, Ranger, Rogue, Warrior, etc., there should be a Mother class! A Mother would have a special combination of powerful abilities, including some borrowed from the other classes.

Given the qualities and attributes that I now possess (brain fog, stretch marks, etc.), I would be very interested in obtaining certain pieces of special equipment. These would magically boost my strengths and minimize my weaknesses.

Here are the mythical, magical items that would be on my Top Eleven list, if I were a Mother in the RPG of life:

1. Handbag of Infinite Holding. No more overstuffed purse or diaper bag. Everything fits inside, without the wearer becoming over-encumbered by the weight.
2. Gloves of Dexterity. Maintains softness of touch, but gives the wearer manual dexterity equal to having a third hand.
3. Boots of Lightness. Reduces weight upon the feet of the wearer, especially when standing on a scale.
4. Girdle of Constitution. Provides the wearer ample strength to bear any physical burden, and causes stretch marks and cellulite to disappear.
5. Helm of Mental Acuity. Dispels brain fog, improves wisdom with age, and prevents wearer from being deceived.
6. Bow of Justice + Arrows of Mercy. Enables precise, appropriate defensive attacks or punishments, as needed.
7. Cloak of Patience. Casts a spell of calm and inner peace upon the wearer, in even the most chaotic environment.
8. Breastplate of Love. Warms the hearts of the wearer and those in her midst.
9. Amulet of Healing. Empowers the wearer with magical hugs and kisses, which can be used to heal others.
10. Ring of Rest. When activated, allows the wearer to continue adventuring without sleep.
11. Shovel of Clearing. Essential equipment for any Mother, this shovel digs through any pile of literal or figurative crap, leaving a clean, clear path to tread.

I don’t know who came up with the phrase “Terrible Twos,” because with my three kids, age three has always been much worse than two. I was reminded of this today, when my three year old daughter had her first humongous public meltdown. It happened like this…

This morning, I needed to get some things from my favorite store, Target. I love going to Target. There is a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell snack area up front, and I can grab a soda to sip while I shop. Usually, I get a sugar cookie for my daughter, and she sits sweetly in the cart, smiling at strangers, waving at old folks. It’s a nice outing. Not today.

About halfway through the shopping, she decided to throw a big screaming fit. It was really magnificent. On the International Tantrum Scale (based on how many strangers would stop and stare), it was probably a 9 out of 10. There was crying, whining, screaming, falling on the floor, scratching, bleeding, hair stuck to snot, kicking… No vomiting, though. That would have made it a 10.

I will spare you the rest of the little details, but let me share some of the things I learned from today’s Tantrum at Target:

• Age three is more terrible than two, because a three year old is heavier, more wiggly, and can cause more damage during a tantrum.
• The first time a child has a huge tantrum at the store, it will be unexpectedly crowded, even though it’s a Monday, and people should be at work.
• The more difficult your child is being, the more people will stop their carts directly in your path, blocking your way.
• The ear-splitting shrieks of an angry toddler would make a highly effective torture device.
• The ear-splitting shrieks of an angry toddler would also make a highly effective birth control device.
• Chanting “this is not my child” to yourself while you wrestle the kid and try to drive the cart around the oblivious morons parked in the middle of the aisle does not help to block out the screaming noise.

I’m sure some of you parents can relate to this experience. It’s one of those things that we all go through with our kids, right? Do you have any favorite tantrum lessons you’d like to share?

A recent conversation I had with my kindergartener went something like this…

Punkin: Mommy, why is your belly so floppy?

Me: Well, Mommy had three babies. Remember when Mommy’s belly was big like a balloon? When the baby was inside? Well, when the baby comes out, Mommy’s belly is like a balloon with no air inside, and that is why it’s floppy.

Punkin: Oh. (giggles)

Yes, the truth hurts, but it’s also pretty funny.

Here is a funny story I had to share. My kindergartener recently had trouble getting his fingers all the way into his gloves before going out to the bus stop. He insisted there was something in there! I said, “Just try again,” because sometimes that works… He tried jamming his fingers into the gloves, but they wouldn’t go all the way in.

So, being a good mother, I turned the problem glove inside-out to check for debris. I was expecting a scrap of Kleenex or a piece of grass. I got the first couple of fingers checked out. Nothing was there. Turning these gloves out is no easy task, because the fingers are pretty small.

I continued with the index finger, and started pushing the tip of the glove inward. As I worked the glove and opened up the finger, I saw long, brown fibers being pushed out. I thought it might be a piece of mulch. Then, a roundish wad of something emerged. And finally, the whole leggy, smushed, balled-up spider fell out of the glove and onto the floor.

Fortunately, it was dead. Our vigorous attempts at putting on the glove had done the trick.

It’s a good thing my 6-year old is not afraid of bugs, or this might have been a traumatic experience.

The moral of the story: Always shake your gloves out before putting them on!

I have three kids of my own, and although I love them all dearly, they do have their moments. My first baby had trouble sleeping. He had allergies and acid reflux, which we didn’t get diagnosed until he was 15 months old, because the pediatrician kept telling us he’d grow out of it. “Stop breastfeeding him and he’ll sleep through the night.” “Take away the pacifier, because he can’t find it, and then he can’t get back to sleep.” “Just let him cry.”

That first baby is almost nine, and I still shake with fury when I remember what that stupid doctor put us through. Thankfully, I finally (I know, I should have done it sooner, but I trusted the doctor…) took him to a specialist and got things taken care of. It was nice to finally get some sleep! But I digress…

The point of this post was not to recount my old grudges.

Actually, some of our friends are just now having babies. We’re having a mini baby boom in our little circle. And even though I really want everyone to be healthy and happy, and I hope their babies are sweet little bundles of joy, there’s a snarky little part of me that hopes those kids throw some big tantrums and wake their parents up at all hours of the night. Just to be fair.

So there you have it: GeekMom’s dark side. Be afraid.