motherhood

I don't know how I missed out on seeing this video earlier, but it is hilarious! Especially for busy moms -- but funny for dads and kids, too -- Anita Renfroe sings a fast mashup of the most popular mom sayings, to the tune of the William Tell Overture. Listen carefully, because it goes by so quickly! Anita has made another funny video in conjunction with a promotion for Luvs diapers. As part of this new "say no to pricey diapers" campaign, Luvs is also offering a limited-time $5 off coupon, starting today.

File this post under "whimsical," folks. I've been a mother for a little over nine years now. My youngest child has just turned three, and I'm still in that "Mommy, carry me" phase, at times. My purse is bursting at the seams (but not with money), my memory is fuzzy, my feet are tired, and my body is jiggly, but I'm pretty happy with life. :-) Over the years, I have spent more hours than I care to admit playing role-playing games (RPG), such as Neverwinter Nights, Baldur's Gate, and some others I can't remember right now. One of the things I enjoy about those games is the magical items a character can equip, to modify her natural abilities. So, I got to thinking, what if I could create a new class of character? In addition to Mage, Ranger, Rogue, Warrior, etc., there should be a Mother class! A Mother would have a special combination of powerful abilities, including some borrowed from the other classes. Given the qualities and attributes that I now possess (brain fog, stretch marks, etc.), I would be very interested in obtaining certain pieces of special equipment. These would magically boost my strengths and minimize my weaknesses. Here are the mythical, magical items that would be on my Top Eleven list, if I were a Mother in the RPG of life:

1. Handbag of Infinite Holding. No more overstuffed purse or diaper bag. Everything fits inside, without the wearer becoming over-encumbered by the weight.
2. Gloves of Dexterity. Maintains softness of touch, but gives the wearer manual dexterity equal to having a third hand.
3. Boots of Lightness. Reduces weight upon the feet of the wearer, especially when standing on a scale.
4. Girdle of Constitution. Provides the wearer ample strength to bear any physical burden, and causes stretch marks and cellulite to disappear.
5. Helm of Mental Acuity. Dispels brain fog, improves wisdom with age, and prevents wearer from being deceived.
6. Bow of Justice + Arrows of Mercy. Enables precise, appropriate defensive attacks or punishments, as needed.
7. Cloak of Patience. Casts a spell of calm and inner peace upon the wearer, in even the most chaotic environment.
8. Breastplate of Love. Warms the hearts of the wearer and those in her midst.
9. Amulet of Healing. Empowers the wearer with magical hugs and kisses, which can be used to heal others.
10. Ring of Rest. When activated, allows the wearer to continue adventuring without sleep.
11. Shovel of Clearing. Essential equipment for any Mother, this shovel digs through any pile of literal or figurative crap, leaving a clean, clear path to tread.

I don't know who came up with the phrase "Terrible Twos," because with my three kids, age three has always been much worse than two. I was reminded of this today, when my three year old daughter had her first humongous public meltdown. It happened like this... This morning, I needed to get some things from my favorite store, Target. I love going to Target. There is a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell snack area up front, and I can grab a soda to sip while I shop. Usually, I get a sugar cookie for my daughter, and she sits sweetly in the cart, smiling at strangers, waving at old folks. It's a nice outing. Not today. About halfway through the shopping, she decided to throw a big screaming fit. It was really magnificent. On the International Tantrum Scale (based on how many strangers would stop and stare), it was probably a 9 out of 10. There was crying, whining, screaming, falling on the floor, scratching, bleeding, hair stuck to snot, kicking... No vomiting, though. That would have made it a 10. I will spare you the rest of the little details, but let me share some of the things I learned from today's Tantrum at Target:

• Age three is more terrible than two, because a three year old is heavier, more wiggly, and can cause more damage during a tantrum.
• The first time a child has a huge tantrum at the store, it will be unexpectedly crowded, even though it's a Monday, and people should be at work.
• The more difficult your child is being, the more people will stop their carts directly in your path, blocking your way.
• The ear-splitting shrieks of an angry toddler would make a highly effective torture device.
• The ear-splitting shrieks of an angry toddler would also make a highly effective birth control device.
• Chanting "this is not my child" to yourself while you wrestle the kid and try to drive the cart around the oblivious morons parked in the middle of the aisle does not help to block out the screaming noise.

I'm sure some of you parents can relate to this experience. It's one of those things that we all go through with our kids, right? Do you have any favorite tantrum lessons you'd like to share?