Billy Twitters Book

I was strolling through the children’s section of our local public library, and I spotted the spine of this book on the shelf. I thought, “is that really a kids’ book about Twitter?!” and grabbed it to take a closer look. As it turned out, it’s not a book about the Twitter “fail whale,” but a story about a boy and a whale.

Still, I thought it was pretty funny, and worth sharing. If you’re familiar with Twitter and the infamous “fail whale” that is displayed when the service is unavailable and/or over capacity, you will appreciate the humor in the coincidence.

Twitter Fail Whale by michperu via flickr

Recently, there have been commercials for a new program, which looks like a combination of “Dancing With the Stars” and “The Biggest Loser.” It’s called “Dance Your Ass Off,” and the promos feature big people in little costumes, wiggling and jiggling to the music.

These people appear energetic, enthusiastic, and uninhibited. They look like they’re having fun.

My son watched the commercial, and thought for a moment. Then, he spoke:

My son: Mommy, I think that’s a program for people who want to get in shape, because they have big bellies. Like balloon bellies.

Me: Yes, that’s right.

My son: I think you might be one of them.

Lucky for him, he’s cute and sincere and sweet and kind. If you haven’t seen the trailer for the show, here it is. And by the way, I’m not as big as the girls on the show. But I do have a squishy belly.

I love my family! And I love to cook. Check that. I used to enjoy cooking. Or… I enjoy cooking for people who will eat and appreciate whatever I prepare. Unfortunately, that is not the situation in my home these days.

Two of my three children have or had food allergies, which made feeding times challenging when they were toddlers. My oldest (now 9) was allergic to lots of things, including dairy products, tomato, citrus, strawberries, soy, peanut butter… Just about “everything.” My second (now 7) was allergic to wheat. The set of foods that they both could and would eat was extremely small.

Mercifully, the youngest (just turned 4) doesn’t have any food allergies. Hallelujah!

To make a long story short, what started out as cooking to accommodate the kids’ allergies and prevent anaphylaxis, has developed into a habit of me running a Denny’s in my own kitchen. I’m like a short-order cook behind the counter. One wants macaroni without cheese (he’s allergic to cheese), the other wants French toast (he could eat macaroni, but won’t), and the Hubby prefers a normal meal, but nothing with peas, beans, or potatoes.

Ding! Order up!

Do you see why I’m going insane?! Every day, every meal, I’m running around the kitchen. Water boiling, toast toasting, microwave nuking, etc. Kiss my grits! (Flo, the sassy waitress at Mel’s Diner in the sitcom “Alice,” remember?)

I finally came up with an idea to make things a little bit easier on myself. It’s been in effect for a grand total of two days, but it’s working pretty well so far. In case there are any other overworked, kitchen-weary parents out there, I thought I’d share my solution.

At dinner on Sunday, I told the crew that I wasn’t going to take special orders any longer. I assigned Hubby and the kids the task of agreeing on five dinners that they would ALL eat. If this sounds ridiculous to you, you must have an easy family to feed, because it was no easy project for my bunch.

After about 30 minutes of lively discussion, they had assembled this list:

• Pizza night
• Taco/Nacho night
• Spaghetti and breadsticks night
• Snack/Buffet night (fruit, cheese, yogurt, bread, etc.)
• Grill night (burgers, brats, etc.)

Those five things will be rotated each week, and on the other two days, we’ll have leftovers or something special.

So that’s the plan. I’m feeling saner already. I went grocery shopping today and bought everything I’ll need for the rest of the week. And the ritual of 5:00 dinner panic has come to an end. Let’s hope they still like pizza a month from now. Cheers!

I wrote a post a while back, on the gag-inducing topic of my kids getting sick, and my willingness to sacrifice my own cleanliness to protect the carpet and sofa. Because, you know, it’s easier to wash my chest, face, and shirt, than to clean the furniture. Hubby calls me “the vomit magnet.” You get the idea…

Well, I’ve been reconnecting with old friends on Facebook lately, and I found out that one of them (her name is Heather too, and we lived in the same dorm during our first year of college) has a brilliant new product for parents. Heather and her sisters came up with a fresh new take on the barf bag. It’s called Chuck the Yuck, as in “Keep the kids. Chuck the yuck.”

It’s watertight, big enough for adults to “use” (morning sickness, motion sickness, etc.), holds blown-out diapers and other yucky stuff, and it’s cute!

Got details?

• Chuck the Yuck bags are 9.25″ (high) X 5″ (wide) X 3″ (deep).
• They are larger than most sickness bags to allow for adult usage.
• They are also water tight and have a seal with a twist closure that is centered in the top middle section of the bag to allow for fold-over and secure closing.
• Chuck the Yuck bags come in packages of 3 for $4.99.

So if you’re still in the yuck stage of pregnancy or parenting, you might give these bags a try. Just make sure you don’t confuse Chuck the Yuck with your sack lunch. Cheers!

I sat down at my “secondary” computer recently, which is also used by my children. They’re not allowed to play with my MacBook, but they have their own limited-access account on the desktop iMac, and they like to watch DVDs, play games, and type on it. Yes, you might say they’re mini-geeks. They love computers.

While I was starting up my browser, I noticed a noise coming from the optical drive, where the CDs and DVDs go. It sounded like it was trying to eject a disc, and it kept happening every 10 seconds or so. I tried the conventional methods of ejecting, but the computer didn’t even seem to acknowledge the presence of a disc.

Unlike tray-loading drives, the iMac has a vertical slot without a tray. You just load the disc in part-way, and it takes it the rest of the way. It’s magical. Unfortunately, there’s no way to pry it open. There’s no door. There’s not even an emergency eject button to push with a straightened paper clip.

After trying everything I could think of, plus the tips recommended by Apple help, I shut down the machine and gave up. I asked the boys (ages 9 and 7) whether they knew what had happened to the computer. “I don’t know.” “It wasn’t me.”

I asked my daughter (age 3-1/2). “Do you know what happened to the computer? In here? Did you put something in here?” I pointed to the disc slot.

She smiled, flashed her big blue eyes, and said, “Um, yeah.”

“What did you put in here?”

“Two discus-es.”

Great. I don’t know how she did it, because when there’s one disc loaded, you can’t just slide in another one. She must have really applied all of her little fairy princess might to get that second “discus” wedged in there.

Well, it could have been worse. At least it’s not cheese and crackers… And now I get to pay a visit to the Apple Store.

So we told the kids at dinner one night. Had everybody sitting at the table together and everything. He said, “Well, we have some exciting news. We’re all going to move to Colorado!“

It’s difficult to know what thoughts zip through the brains of children at a moment like that. For about two seconds, their eyes and jaws were wide open, and then… the questions.

“Can we bring the Wii? What about the Wii?”

Really? Wow. I guess it takes a looming major life change to expose one’s priorities. I suppose it makes sense that they would be concerned about their Nintendo. We don’t have any pets, due to allergies and asthma. I suppose the Wii is the closest thing they have to a puppy.

And I must tell you that the second thing they asked, after we assured them that the Wii and everything else in the house would be making the trip with us, was whether they could bring their friends. So it’s not like they don’t have any human friends.

It got me to wondering about the popularity of video games among kids these days. When I was a young girl, my favorite things were dolls, horses, a BB gun, and an Easy-Bake Oven. My brother collected Hot Wheels cars and played baseball. Other kids collected baseball cards and action figures.

Few families in my town had cable television back in the late 1970s, and almost nobody had a video game system. Now, lots of families have game consoles or handheld devices. My kids would play constantly if I let them. Does anybody collect baseball cards anymore? I don’t know. My kids don’t.

And before you judge me a terrible mother, you should know that my kids do enjoy playing outdoors and doing non-video game activities (when I make them), like reading, running around, getting dirty, building with Legos, etc. But video games are still their favorite hobby. I’d bet there are lots of other kids who are the same way. What’s it like at your house?

A couple of nights ago, this boy was taking a bath. He noticed the label on the shampoo bottle, which said “3-in-1,” and asked what “3-in-1″ means. I told him it’s because that product does three things to help us get cleaned up. It’s a body wash, shampoo, and hair conditioner, all in one bottle.

He thought for a minute and came up with this: “Hey, what if it was 13-in-1! Then we could get super-clean, and it would keep out the tangles forever! We would smell good and stay clean for 13 days!”

I love that boy, and I love the way he thinks.

Even though the boys can take care of their own business in the bathroom, there are still some improvements to be made. For one thing, I wish they would be more careful with their aim. I am so tired of cleaning up after them!

These nifty stickers are designed to help guys with piss-poor (ha ha) aim do a better job of hitting the mark. Of course, they’re from Japan, home to many toilet-related innovations. The stickers can be installed in toilets or urinals, and change color when peed upon.

I can imagine that a color-changing target in the pot would be irresistible for my boys, and would reduce the occurrence of stray drips and dribbles. I haven’t seen these in any stores yet, but if I do, I’m buying them!

Via tokyomango.