The Time I Saw A Pile of Poop at Walmart

If you know me, you know I really don’t like shopping at Walmart. I prefer Target, but since I need to be thrifty, I end up at Walmart at least once a week for the basics.

On my most recent trip to the Mart, I made my circuit through the aisles, hugged my favorite greeter, and made it to the checkout. It was a typical shopping trip.

Until I left the checkout for the exit.

Just 10 feet from where I had paid for my stuff, there was a pile of poop. When I say “pile of poop,” let me be clear. It was not just a turd. Not a dung nugget. Not a dingleberry. Not a gooey smudge from somebody’s shoe.

It was a full dump.

And it looked like it either came from a large dog, or a human being. For a second, I considered stopping to snap a photo, but decided I couldn’t hold my breath long enough, so I pushed my cart past as quickly as I could, without looking like a freak.

So in lieu of a photo, I’ll describe it to you. It was a full dump, semi-coiled, well formed, deposited directly on the store floor. It was partially covered by a piece of paper towel, with a whole roll of paper towels nearby. It was unattended. No signs or warnings had been posted. No “Wet Floor,” or “WTF! Poop!” to guide shoppers away from the scene. I wondered whether the store personnel were away gathering special supplies. Maybe there is a secret human-poop cleanup protocol.

As I drove away from the store, I wondered lots of things.

What made that poop? Dog? Human?

Why was it left there?

If it was from a dog, why was a dog in the store? Service animal? Pet? It was very near the exit doors. And even if a dog had done it, I thought any responsible dog owner would have picked it up, right? RIGHT?!

So… Why would a person poop there? Toilet emergency? It wasn’t too far from the restrooms. Still, wouldn’t a reasonable human have cleaned up his or her own poop? Who just takes a dump on a public floor and leaves it there? Unless it was protest poop!

Anyway, it was pretty disgusting. And that’s coming from a matter-of-fact mother of three who deals with some epic shit on a daily basis. But it left me with more questions than answers. And I haven’t been back to Walmart since.

I Hate Auto-Flushing Toilets

I don’t think I’d ever used a public toilet at Wal-Mart until today. Generally, I avoid using public restrooms anywhere, but sometimes, you just have to go.

So, I parked my cart and went into the ladies’ room at my local Wal-Mart. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the new bidet! I’ve never used a bidet before, but I’ve heard they are something that rich people sometimes have installed in their home bathrooms. They are toilets that spray water on your butt, for an extra-clean bottom, right?

You’re probably thinking Wal-Mart is an unlikely place for a bidet toilet. So was I!

Guess what — it wasn’t a bidet! It was just a stupid toilet with an auto-flush feature.

auto flush toilet
Beware of the auto-flush!

I suppose auto-flush toilets are meant to keep people’s hands clean, by eliminating the need to press a flush lever manually. I presume the intended function of the auto-flush toilet would be something like this:

1. When the sensor indicates a person is seated, the toilet would not flush.
2. When the sensor detects the person has vacated the seat, it executes the hands-free flush.

However, that is not what happened to me today.

First of all, I don’t like to sit down on unfamliar toilets. The paper toilet seat cover dispenser was empty, so I fashioned my own by layering strips of toilet paper over the seat, and assumed the oh-so-graceful hover-squat. Most women who share my fear of foreign toilets are familiar with this position. Done improperly, it can result in a seat-sprinkling spray, so it requires mental concentration, a keen sense of balance, and strong thigh muscles.

What you DON’T want to happen when you’re trying to hover-squat over a dirty Wal-Mart toilet? AUTO-FLUSH.

So there I was, mid-squat, when the toilet started to rumble. Then, the water beneath me started to swirl. Uh-oh.

As the vortex of the rogue flush reached full pressure and velocity, I could feel my backside being sprayed and showered with cold, wet droplets, and a disgusting mist from the bowl. Toilet water and the leftover microscopic nasty bits of who knows how many strangers’ deposits, now clinging to my bare skin. Oh. My.

What would you have done? Of course, I started to stand up and wipe myself off. But you know what happens when you stand up from an auto-flushing toilet? It FLUSHES AGAIN.

Seriously?!

So I decided it might be safer to sit down again, because that’s how you’re supposed to tell the toilet that it shouldn’t flush yet, right? So I dried off the seat, which had also been fairly thoroughly spritzed by the flushing, laid down another layer of clean paper, and tried sitting down.

Too late! During the seat-preparation phase of my toilet transaction, the toilet must have thought I was seated, and when I turned around to actually sit, it went into geyser mode again.

Fountain Geyser in Yellowstone National Park
Fountain Geyser in Yellowstone National Park (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dammit! By that time, I was so frustrated and disgusted, I gave up.

I dried myself off, pulled up my pants, and went out to wash up. As soon as I got home, I threw all of my clothes into the laundry and took a shower. I hope I don’t catch death from the triple toilet unintended bidet-spray. Be careful out there, people!

Thanksgiving Tip: Remove Guts from Turkey Before Roasting

Remove giblets before cooking turkey! Click to read source article.
How to remove giblets before cooking turkey! Click to read source article.

Here’s a story that we tell every year… Enjoy!

We’d been married about six months by our first Thanksgiving together as a married couple. We lived in an apartment with a small electric oven. I was so excited! You know… “Look at me! I’m such a good little wife cooking for my new hubby…”

I roasted a turkey, fixed up the trimmings, complete with cranberries from a can and Stove Top stuffing. When it was finished, he carved up the bird, my manly husband, and discovered something strange inside the breast. What the heck?! Did we get a defective turkey?!

We examined the pale, wrinkled, alien membrane, and figured out that I had forgotten to remove the bag of neck and giblets before I cooked the turkey. Yes, the bag of turkey guts was still inside, like an unexpected prize inside a cereal box. But instead of a super secret spy decoder ring, it was a baked bag of neck, gizzard, liver, and heart. Now, I’m sure that lots of people love to eat those parts, but we are not those people. I was quite embarrassed, especially when he told his mother about it. Fortunately, I have an excellent sense of humor. 😉 We still laugh about it!

failed turkey roast
National Lampoon’s Turkey Disaster

The rest of the turkey was delicious, and we are still married 17 years later!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Boys will be boys… juvenile jokes

I have three children: two boys, ages nine and seven, and a girl, age three. Life is busy, and the kids keep me entertained. There’s nothing more fun to watch than three siblings singing, dancing, and laughing together! (It happens on occasion.)

However, lately, the boys have been into telling jokes. Now, I think I have a pretty good sense of humor. (Sometimes, Hubby doesn’t appreciate it, but I’m really quite hilarious.)

They don’t really have a comedy routine, and they don’t have many jokes memorized. No, because that would be boring, I suppose. They prefer to improvise.

So, they have a go-to punchline, and it kills! You’re dying to hear it, aren’t you? Okay. You asked for it:

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
My BUTT!
*snicker*snicker*chuckle*

That’s just one example of how the BUTT punchline can be used. Amazingly, it fits almost any situation, and can be fashioned into an answer for any question!

I would say “let’s hope this phase passes quickly,” but I know it never will. They’ve just taken another step on the road to manhood. I’m so proud! 🙂

photo by photosavvy

GeekMom Gets the Giggles

Here is a quick laugh I had to share. I’ve had this saved for years because it’s one of my favorite comics of all time. In case you don’t get it in your paper, it’s called Get Fuzzy. I’m sorry the image is kind of small, but it’s the best I have, and this is no longer available on the Get Fuzzy archives. I’ll put the text underneath it, in case you can’t quite read it. It’s hilarious!

Get Fuzzy comic

Cat (Bucky): Flea Factor, Paw and Odor, or Wheel of Vermin?
Dog (Satchel): Wheel! Wheel!
Cat: It’s Mexican Spiny Pocket Mouse, you idiot!
Dog: Buy a vole! Buy a vole!

Fact: EntreCard Credits are like Schrute Bucks

One Schrute BuckBefore I begin, let me say that I enjoy both Dwight Schrute and EntreCard. Now, let me explain my assertion. 🙂

On The Office (US version), Dwight Schrute creates Schrute Bucks as a way to motivate his coworkers to perform well. (If you’re not familiar with Dwight, you should know that he is an insufferable dweeb and suck-up, but he is also excellent at his job. That really has nothing to do with this analogy, but it is a big part of why The Office is so hilarious.) The Schrute Buck is a unit of currency in Dwight’s system, where he gets to decide what a person has to do to earn one.

EntreCard (EC) is a system of free internet advertising that rewards users with Credits, which they can use to purchase ad space on other users’ blogs. Credits are awarded for using the system by “card dropping,” or clicking on other people’s EC widgets.

A-ha! What else do Schrute Bucks and EC Credits have in common? Well, since I am a bit of an insufferable dweeb myself, here is a list …

  • Fact: Both Schrute Bucks and EC Credits are constructed units of currency.
  • Fact: Both Schrute Bucks and EC Credits can be earned only by exhibiting behaviors desired by their creators.
  • Fact: Neither Schrute Bucks nor EC Credits have any real value outside of their respective reward systems.*
  • Fact: Both Schrute Bucks and EC Credits have value only if there is demand for them among users.
  • Question: What is the exchange rate of Schrute Bucks to EC Credits?
  • Answer: It’s the same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

* I know there has been some talk of selling EC Credits for real money, so we’ll see where that ends up.

I hope you enjoyed this little exercise in silliness. If you’d like to add to the discussion, please do!